Aaahh!!! Real Monsters: Health Insurance, Autonomy, and Guilt

Two weeks into sabbatical and I’ve cried at least five different times. Nobody said it could be this hard.

Only a handful of days into my sabbatical did my panic finally set in. I was reading through my workplace exit package when overwhelm hit me in a way it never had before.

🩺 Panic #1: Health Insurance

Although I've been responsible for myself in many ways since leaving Los Angeles at 17, something about shopping for health insurance made me realize that no one will take care of me other than me. Who let this 26-year-old willingly leave her job? No wonder my dad was so confused when I told him I quit. 🤡

I still don’t understand what a deductible is nor do I understand why I gotta pay for my health insurance coverage AND other costs no matter how many times someone explains it to me. What I have understood for a long time now, even if only through other people’s stories about it, is how expensive health insurance is. Never did I realize it would be this expensive. Ya girl just started taking a tier 5 medication and you’re telling me I might need to stop taking it soon because of some silly piece of laminated paper that says I have coverage??! Come on America, stop it with the jokes.

Needless to say, these prices got me researching how to move to a Nordic country with universal healthcare so I can finally live my small provincial town girl dreams. Grad school here I come?

⏳ Panic #2: Autonomy and Choice

Amongst my health insurance panic, another anxiety took hold of my emotions. For what feels like the first time in my life, I finally have autonomy over myself and my time. Before this, and like most everyone’s lives, my life was commanded by school, extracurriculars, my parents, my workplace, or a mixture of all the above. Sure there was time to make some decisions like what I’d have for breakfast or choosing when to go on a walk, but, for the most part, a large chunk of my day was already decided for me by whatever the powers that be were at that particular time.

Every day was a variation of wake up, eat, clock in, eat, clock out, eat, decompress, sleep. Wash, rinse, repeat. Without work or school, I didn’t have the fixed schedule that was both comforting and debilitating. I like to believe I know how to spend time by myself, but spending time by myself in the context of having nothing to attend to is so different.

I’d woken up one day, realized my lack of schedule, and sat on my couch overwhelmed by possibility. Should I go out for a walk? Watch TV? Read a book? Go out and grab lunch? Start a sewing project? Drive somewhere nice? Do the laundry? Write this newsletter?

👁👄👁 Panic #3: Guilt

Lurking behind the shadows was this feeling of guilt. After all the goodbyes and celebrations were done with, I felt a pang of guilt take over me. It’s weird to say that I feel guilty for being selfish and choosing myself (see my panic above about autonomy) but the people-pleasing, harmonious Libra and middle-child mediator in me is not surprised.

I recognize all the work I need to do to mitigate this complaisant behavior, but that still doesn’t erase the guilt in my gut. It’s such a privilege to feel secure enough to do what I please. Did I deserve to take this break? Had I worked enough to earn rest? Perhaps what I am feeling is cultural. Utang ng loob—or the feeling/concept of eternal debt to others—has been on my mind a lot recently. Who/what am I but not loyal to my employer?

Months ago, over some German ravioli and pickled vegetables, a former colleague, who hopes to become a therapist in the next several years, provided me with some incredible insight. While talking down the significance of leaving my job, she reminded me that even though I feel privileged and lucky to make this decision for myself, it was me who put in the work to feel secure enough. Yes, I worked hard for the money but I also worked hard so I can choose myself.

🌅 🌁 Accepting what I can control

Over this past weekend, I went out on a walk around Golden Gate Park with my friend Amber (thank you for lunch!). We chatted about a great variety of things: what’s next for me and her, travel plans, and what it means to do meaningful work. Instead of heading home after our afternoon together, I decided to watch the sunset.

I made the trek to Land’s End, walked down treacherous steps to Sutro Baths, and settled into my chosen seat to watch the day end. With some of the clearest San Francisco skies I’ve seen in a long time (Karl wasn’t anywhere in sight), I watched the sun gently set. Once the sun finally set past the horizon line, I applauded6 to the sun and sky celebrating the end of another day. Like, go nature! Do your thing! 10/10, would watch again!

Breathing in the crisp ocean air and staring at the analogous colored sky, I realized that I had to let go, stay present, and celebrate the small but important wins. I may not have all the answers now (whoever will anyway), but soon enough everything will reach an equilibrium and I will feel okay again soon.

Until next time,
Marj ✨

P.S. — In case you haven’t ever watched or heard of Aaahh!!! Real Monsters, you can find episodes of this 1994 Nickelodeon series on Paramount+. Oblina (left) often reaches into herself and pulls out her organs. Ickis (middle) is constantly goofing off and has a blatant disregard for rules. Krumm (right) often loses his eyeballs and has to go looking for them. When I thought of the title for this post, I couldn’t help but draw parallels from my anxieties to these characters. At the end of the day, my panic, and the characters from Aaahh!!! Real Monsters, are silly lil creatures with their own personalities that also have a softness to them.